Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
it's like iHOP with fire
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize