Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
