Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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