My cat gives me a boner
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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