i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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