I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
