I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
