Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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