Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
