Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
