My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
