I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
