Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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