I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
