good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
