somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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