You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
