I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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