the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
