I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize