Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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