We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize