shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
