your parents love me but you hate me
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
