I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
