Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
