her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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