I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
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