i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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