I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
