I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
