I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
