You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
