I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
