i think my tv is drunk
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
