Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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