On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Randomize
