That's when you crack a 10am beer
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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