I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
