Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
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