Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
