Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
