Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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