My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
