Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
