What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
