At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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