I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
