im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
