i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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