some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
You are a genius and a whore.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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