So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I am midnight drunk by noon
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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