I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
