Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
