Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
