she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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