Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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