it was like his penis was on wheels.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
jump out the window naked night went bad
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
