I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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